Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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