Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
