what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
