Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
