Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
