If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
