she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
