I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
