mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
