so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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