I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
