Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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