Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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