....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
please come you make the beer taste better
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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