I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
