you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Do you have feelings for this penis?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
