His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
