My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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