I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I bet he comes in French.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
