guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
