when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
