Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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