I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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