I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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