When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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