i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
