I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
