its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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