Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
