I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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