Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
