my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
