I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
