last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
