Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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