I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
