Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
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Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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