I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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