I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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