somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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