Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
