is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
