you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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