dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
