i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
