I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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