If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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