Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
