I skipped work to stalk him.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
