I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
