Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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