You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
