guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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