Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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