mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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