Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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