i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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