if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
