better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
