if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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