Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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