apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
